


It Could Be Us.

by keeplovinanyway



Category: Troyler - Fandom, Troyler RPF, Video Blogging RPF, Youtube RPF, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Opening Up, Other, Past Relationship(s), Spin the Bottle, not focused on a certain ship but more telling stories of how life sometimes happens, talking about stuff that needs to be said, you might cry but there's also very cute things and stuff and I'd just recommend reading it tbqh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 14:27:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6910942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keeplovinanyway/pseuds/keeplovinanyway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bunch of YouTubers meet after a stressful convention day in a room to a tipsy game of spin the bottle. Events take an unexpected turn and suddenly the evening becomes about beginning relationships, uncertainty and mending broken friendships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Could Be Us.

It was the last day of the convention.

Most of them have had a day full of signings, meet-ups and interviews, and even the ones that didn't have had such a tight schedule they were exhausted from the last days and felt like having a nice party in the evening with their friends.

So there they were, together in one of their hotel rooms, blasting music from their phones and already quite intoxicated.

They were all adults, but right now most of them were giggling like teenagers whilst others feigned indifference but actually looked kind of scared. Caspar, the one who came up with the idea of playing spin the bottle and didn't stop in his excited squeals and tugs until everyone agreed to play along, was standing in the middle of their circle. Well, standing wasn't quite the right word, he was bouncing on his feet and grinning from ear to ear and making sure everybody was sitting where they should be.

Next to his feet he had placed Joe, who had only minutes ago almost passed out on the couch in the back corner but had let himself get excited for the stupid game. He wouldn't mind kissing any of his friends and didn't have anything to lose either, so it was bound to be a fun game for him.

On Caspar's other side, Zoe was cuddling into Alfie's tall figure. She was the only one that had drunk nothing at all - which didn't help with her tiredness. It was way past her bedtime, but she couldn't get herself to leave either, knowing that she wouldn't be able to see some of her friends in this room for a long time.

Zoe wasn't that fond of spin the bottle or similar games – understandably, since she was a 25 year old and didn't have the necessary alcohol in her blood to be excited about kissing someone she didn't love. In fact, she was kind of worried about what might happen.

Glancing across the circle, she saw Troye sitting in Connor's lap. They were the other couple here besides herself and Alfie. She knew that she and her other half wouldn't have any problems when one of them kissed one of their friends in a joking way, but Troye and Connor hadn’t been together for such a long time and she had no idea if either of them were jealous or how open they were in their relationship.

But right after she thought that Zoe scolded herself for it, knowing exactly that there was no good in worrying too much about something she couldn't change in the slightest, even less so when it wasn't her place to change anything at all. Zoe sighed softly and planted a kiss on Alfie's cheek, resulting in him cuddling her closer.

Whilst Zoe contemplated her friend's relationship issues, Alfie chatted animatedly with Dan and Phil. The pair had been placed just between himself and Louise, who in turn was sitting next to Troye and Connor. They were discussing their next big projects and didn't quite pay attention to Caspar, who was still shouting and giggling and at this moment trying to find a bottle, which was kind of an obligatory requirement for spin the bottle, but something his intoxicated mind didn't think about before he had gathered all of his friends into the circle.

While Alfie didn't pay attention to the game that was about to happen, Louise did. She had a feeling that it was good he kept Dan and Phil occupied with the conservation, because she had noticed something like fear flickering in Phil's gaze several minutes ago when she was holding a cup of beer and looking across the room whilst giggling with Zoe about Tyler's attempts to get Joe out of his shirt.

Tyler himself was sitting two seats next to her. His loud laughter filled the room as he watched Caspar chug down half a bottle of wine, just so that they would have the much needed bottle. Tyler had enjoyed the adult beverages being passed around tonight, which wasn't that unusual for him.

But today he had felt like it would really help him loosen up. After all the drama last year, he had finally made up with Connor again a few weeks ago, resulting in regaining the friendship with Troye as well. It was the first time he was spending so much time with them as a couple though, and Tyler felt like celebrating how good he had handled it.

If he was honest, he was happy for the alcohol to keep his mind from overthinking things and going back to places he didn't want to be at all.

So he had changed into his party persona, just as much for the others as for himself, and drank enough to not be ashamed for thirsting over Joe's body whilst cuddling in Caspar's arms, which they too had done about half an hour before.

He'd had a good evening and really enjoyed himself, giggling with Zoe, being carried around by Alfie, jokingly insulting Korey (who was sitting right next to him now) and thirsting about almost everybody in the room, including the girls.

Tyler didn't think much about the game almost beginning to start and kept himself busy with telling Joe that he would definitely kiss him and discussing pop music with Korey.

Korey has had his few drinks, yes, but he was still pretty sober and did realize that, while Tyler was in fact having a good time, there was an underlying tension in his best friend.

He knew that having Troye and Connor here as a couple wasn't necessarily bad, but still a bit frightening for Tyler, as their rebuilding friendship was still on shaky legs. Korey had kept quiet though since everyone had agreed to play spin the bottle. He was well aware of the glances Zoe had thrown at Troye and Connor and he knew his best friend next to him well enough that it wasn't all fun and games, and while it was possible that Tyler would just continue complaining to him that they should exchange seats so that he instead of Korey would sit next to Joe, it was also possible that later in their room he would have to deal with an overwhelmed or even crying Tyler.

Korey shifted a little bit so that he didn't shield any of the conversation between Tyler and Joe, hoping that it would be the first scenario or something similar happening tonight.

~~~

Caspar finally placed the bottle in the middle of the circle.

“Is everybody ready?”

The friends erupted in cheers, some louder than others, but everyone felt a little bit giggly and nervous, reminded of similar games they played years and years ago with their high school crushes.

Joe, sunken sloppily back into pillows, nudged Caspar with his foot.

“Just spin it already, you fuck”, he shouted at him.

Caspar feigned hurt. “Don't always insult me like that in front of people, Joe”, he hushed. “That part of our relationship should stay private, we've talked about that!”

Everyone laughed, knowing perfectly well that the playful flirting didn't really mean anything more than a game for Caspar as well as Joe.

But Caspar didn't give his friends time to go in on the joke, instead choosing to finally spin the bottle. He felt himself stumble a bit from the force that he hadn't anticipated he would put into the movement. The bottle itself jumped across the carpeted floor and wobbled around before finally pointing to a grinning Alfie.

“Come on boy, give me a kiss”, Alfie smirked at Caspar. Caspar felt suddenly shy and grinned sheepishly back. He got down on his hands and feet and crawled to Alfie, wanting to put on an act but suddenly feeling his friend's hands gripping tightly at the sides of his face and planting a big smack onto his lips. “There you go! Now it's my turn!” Alfie leaned across the carpet to reach for the bottle with his long and strong built arms. Zoe cuddled Caspar and planted a little kiss on his cheek as well, because she thought he was acting insanely cute. She didn't notice the quiet whisper on the other side of the circle.

“Why don't you have arms like that?” Connor teased the sleepy Troye snuggled into him. Troye huffed and poked an elbow into his stomach, just hard enough so that it hurt a little.

Tyler on their right side had noticed the exchange and laughed out loud, earning a surprised grin from both Troye and Connor, who were still not at the point of expecting such lighthearted, friendly reactions toward their relationship stuff.

Troye felt happiness quietly bubble inside him. Just two months earlier they hadn't even been able to talk with ease about something completely unrelated. He still didn't know exactly why, but things had definitely been strained between the three of them and it was really nice to see them slowly getting back to how they used to be.

He hadn't noticed how the game had gone on and was caught by surprise when Connor gently pushed him towards the middle.

“Babe, it's your turn!”

That dork had gone daydreaming again, it seemed. Phil had been the last to spin the bottle and was already waiting in the circle for Troye.

Connor did feel, if he was completely honest, a little bit uneasy at the prospect of seeing his Troye kiss someone else. But it had happened before, with music video shoots and auditions, and he was definitely better at dealing with it now then he was when the first situation like this had come up.

Back then he had freaked out a lot, they had had a big fight and in hindsight Connor was really embarrassed about his totally uncalled for jealousy.

But he had gotten better with that, so he watched pretty calmly (and just a bit proud) as Troye kissed Phil shortly on the lips, turning back to him a bit flushed and with an unsure flicker in his eyes. But he smiled, reassured, when he saw Connor's loving gaze on him. He spun the bottle again and shared another short kiss with Louise, before turning back to Connor.

Phil on the other hand hadn't returned so calmly to his place. It was not that the kiss with Troye had really bothered him that much, and the one he had shared with Zoe right before was even less of a problem.

But even though he had kissed people before, no-one knew that this right here was actually his first kiss with a boy.

And it wasn't just that, because he had known for a while now that he might be more attracted to boys than to girls, but when he had turned back he had caught Dan's gaze flickering down between them and then to the hem of his socks, where his fingers played with the black fabric nervously. And that now was something that made Phil's heart miss a beat and then start again ten times quicker, because Dan seemed hurt and Phil was now desperately fighting to not get his hopes high once again. He had done that quite a few times in the past. Sometimes he had looked close to having a chance, but Dan had always shut down again in the end, seemingly scared of what might happen.

Then Phil had to fight hard to keep up their friendship while fostering his heartbreak all on his own, trying to make it as safe and comfortable for Dan as possible, even though it hurt himself.

He had loved his best friend for well over a year now without ever saying a word. It caused countless nights of tears, but he knew that Dan loved him deeply – be it one way or the other – and if he ever loved him _that_ way, Dan needed to find it out himself.

Of course Phil had often thought about telling Dan his feelings and helping him in that way to realize something that may or may not be there, but besides the immense fear of being rejected, he was also certain most of the time that Dan would break in the process, because he was just not ready to consciously think about it.

And now it looked like Dan was in fact thinking, or at least feeling, and Phil felt guilty even though he knew it wasn't his fault, and he wanted to comfort Dan, but wasn't sure how. So he sat back in his place and tried to put on a mask of happiness or something, but he never missed a single movement coming from his side and practically felt the tension burning his skin.

But the game had continued again and at one point Korey had kissed Tyler with feigned disgusted mimics broken by giggles and Tyler had kissed Joe which had escalated quite a bit as Tyler had shoved his hands under Joe's shirt in the process and Joe had kissed his sister and then she Connor and now Connor was spinning the bottle and it landed on Dan.

Connor cocked his head to the side and smiled at him, “Hi Dan”, and Dan was laughing and placing his hands on Connor's shoulders to peck his lips for a millisecond before his long figure shoved Connor aside to quickly spin the bottle again.

Dan wasn't really feeling all that well and he didn't know why and didn't dare to think about the reasons either. He wasn't enjoying the attention right now or the game in general and he wanted to get his part of it over as quickly as possible, so he watched anxiously as the bottle slowed down.

It came to a stop pointing directly at Phil.

Dan's heart stopped a beat just like Phil's had minutes ago and he didn't hear the excited voice squealing “Phan” that was Caspar and he didn't see Zoe slapping him.

But Korey saw Zoe's worried face and he then noticed that Tyler had fallen silent too, unlike the other times when he had been happily cheering the chosen's names.

Tyler sure had his reasons. He didn't know Dan and Phil's relationship status and he had already experienced how it felt to always be assumed as a couple when you never told them you were, so he kept silent this time.

Most worried of them all – besides Phil and Dan themselves – was Louise. As one of their closest friends she was the only one in the room to know and one of the few people at all that Phil had ever talked to about his feelings for Dan. She didn't know what Dan felt for Phil, but either way, this happening was one of the worst things possible.

Louise was just debating how she could find an easy way out of it for her friends, when Dan turned to Phil.

“Come on, kiss me, let's make Phan real”, he laughed, trying to ease the tension by stating the obvious thought everyone had right now.

Phil couldn't even try to take this as lighthearted though. He had loved this guy for such a long time. His brain wasn't able to comprehend what was happening, but he felt overwhelmed and so scared, more scared than ever before. If Dan was acting over it, like it was all a joke, Phil might just break into pieces. If not during, then after the kiss, when he was left with the realization that he could never have Dan's lips on his again.

But then he looked into Dan's eyes, all the false mirth gone from them, darting frantically around as if trying not to see something that was growing harder and harder to ignore. Dan didn't lean in, he looked frozen and shocked, and Phil was overcome by an immense need to comfort him, to make him feel safe and tell him that everything was going to be okay. So his scared gaze turned concerned and steady and he held Dan's eyes, and Dan was not backing away, but trusting Phil's silent comfort and confession for the first time ever.

The room had gone silent while everyone watched the subtle exchange that not one person in the room fully understood, not even the two men themselves. Zoe had gripped Alfie's hand, Caspar was gaping with an open mouth, not daring to release a sound because of the tender moment. Connor had wound his arms tightly against Troye's stomach, holding him close and mouthing “oh fuck” against his back.

But then Dan began to slowly lean in and Louise's hand flew up to cover her mouth and Troye let out a gasp that neither of the two men everyone was focusing on noticed and Tyler shifted uneasily and then Dan's lips touched Phil's. Phil was frozen and scared again and Dan felt overwhelmed but suddenly confident, so he slowly lifted his hand to cup his best friend's jaw, closed his eyes and deepened the kiss. Phil could feel his stomach tightening immensely at the feeling, his heart hurting and he felt increasingly hopeful and filled to the brim with a giddy happiness, and the combination made his eyes sting and he knew when he would finally open them again, Dan would see fresh tears welling down his cheeks. But he couldn't think about that right now, because he couldn't think at all.

Dan and Phil didn't notice, but when their friends' surprise wore off, some of them began to feel awkward and embarrassed, and they were unsure of the moment and how to go on.

Still, neither of them expected Tyler to suddenly grab the bottle and shout “My turn!”

Phil and Dan were startled but moved slowly apart from each other, Phil catching Dan's gaze before he had a chance to turn away, and reassured him with steady eyes, not ashamed of the tears displaying how much the kiss had meant to him. Dan didn't turn away either, he didn't know what to do or feel or think, but Phil's gaze held him safely and gave him at least some sense of security.

The others though were staring shocked at Tyler, because even though he was one to get embarrassed easily by emotional moments that were about him, he was also extremely thoughtful and respectful about others and it really wasn't like him to disturb a tender moment for somebody else.

Tyler himself felt embarrassed by his actions, which were extremely spontaneous and hadn't been thought through before acting, but he had just needed to do something. Watching Dan and Phil kiss, clearly not open to each other about their feelings and overwhelmed by what the kiss meant to them, brought back intense flash backs to when he had kissed Troye on stage. That kiss was the first one they shared, and it was the one that got Tyler to feel butterflies coming to life in his stomach and question their friendship really for the first time ever. What happened afterwards was overwhelming and messed up and complicated and sometimes beyond amazing, but often excruciating and painful. Tyler didn't even need to think about everything that happened after the kiss though. The memory of the kiss alone and what he felt during it, what he felt whilst kissing Troye, his best friend, his soul mate, that he had feelings for but hadn't been open about not even to himself, that was too much. And Tyler had felt the urge to just break out of the memory, one that he couldn't have sitting next to the man that it was all about, who was held in the arms of his boyfriend, who once was one of his best friends as well.

So out of an impulse he had jumped into the middle and grabbed the bottle and shouted “my turn”, even though it wasn't his turn, before he realized what he had done and felt his face heat up. Trying to act over it, Tyler spun the bottle quickly, stepping back out of the circle and hopefully out of the accusing glares that some of his friends gave him as well. He didn't meet any of his friends' gazes as he stared with brightly red cheeks at the spinning bottle in the middle, mind racing, and he felt like crying and hiding under a thick blanket. But then the bottle came to a stop, and Tyler felt his hands ball into fists as he realized where it must have stopped, and he turned his gaze to see his worries confirmed, to see that that stupid empty wine bottle was pointing straight at Troye. He looked up into Troye's eyes, seeing them big and shocked and worried, and he quickly shifted his gaze, but he was only met with the stares of his friends, looking like they were struggling to understand what was happening, but knowing for sure that something was up with Tyler and just starting to realize that it might have to do something with that boy the bottle was now pointing at. And then Korey spoke up with a small voice, trying to calm his shaking best friend by calling out his name, but Tyler still looked like a deer caught in headlights, and he knew he couldn't get out of there without letting everyone know that something was bothering him. He felt trapped and cornered and his gaze turned from shock and embarrassment to panic, he felt numb and shaken, and with that he turned around on his spot, stumbling across the room to the balcony door, practically jerking it open and struggling to get it closed again behind his back as quickly as possible.

Finally outside, Tyler leaned heavily against the handling, letting his head slump down. What had happened back in there? He felt his head spinning, overwhelmed by his own actions and thoughts, and still dizzy from the alcohol he drank earlier. The alcohol he drunk to help himself feel easy around Troye and Connor. That plan had obviously not quite worked out, even turned itself back around at him, because maybe with a clearer head he wouldn't have felt so overwhelmed and wouldn’t have flashbacked from the kiss Dan and Phil had shared, and he certainly wouldn't have acted so stupid to insensibly break the moment for them. He probably could've dealt easier with the bottle pointing at Troye, maybe making a lighthearted comment about how he would like to trade that kiss for a kiss with Zoe, or something along those lines.

But all of that hadn't happened, instead Tyler had let himself fuck up majorly, hurting some of his friends, shocking others, making a complete fool out of himself and, worst of all, maybe led some of the people back in there – most importantly Troye and Connor – to think that he still had feelings for Troye.

Which he didn’t.

Right?

~~~

While Tyler was standing outside, letting the chill night air cool down his head a bit, the group inside was still shocked by Tyler's dramatic exit. Not one of them had expected anything like this to happen.

Alfie was the first one to break the silence.

“What the fuck was that?”

Louise shook her head, placing a hand softly on Dan's back, to check if he was okay. Dan closed his eyes and breathed in heavily, before turning around to look at her. He tried to put on a smile, but it came out shaky and false. The eyes that he met showed him that Louise understood though, so he let part of his fear shine through, that was only now building up.

“Are you okay?” Louise asked lowly. Dan took another deep breath. He didn't really know, it was all happening so fast.

“I guess so?” It came out as more of a question than an answer. He saw Louise looking away from him, probably making eye contact with Phil. Phil. Phil his best friend. Phil that he just had kissed. Not because of that game, but because he wanted to. He hadn't even thought about the bottle in that moment. He had wanted to kiss Phil, and Phil's gaze had been so loving and made him feel safe, and so he had kissed him, because he suddenly realized that he had wanted to do this for a long time.

Dan only didn't know what would be happening next, and he was scared. But Phil … he hadn't looked away after the kiss, right? Had Dan even seen tears in his eyes?

Next to Dan's head with racing thoughts Louise looked at Phil, who was pleadingly asking a silent question. 'What should I do now?' Louise swallowed around a knot in her throat, before leaning in and telling Dan and Phil to go back to their room now and talk it all out. She was worrying insanely that they wouldn't though, that they would let it all become a big drama, not talking about it, not acting on their feelings. But she couldn't do anything for them right now, they needed to sort it out themselves. She could still check on them later and see if there was anything that she could fix for them, because those fools were too scared to do what they obviously both wanted or something. For now they needed to talk privately though. Or do other stuff. But hopefully talk too.

Whilst Louise was trying to sort this mess out, the others were not quite sure which mess was more important to them right now and how to deal with everything that had just happened. Caspar looked upset, empathy clearly molding his features. Joe next to him was staring into his lap, not knowing how to handle the situation. He wasn't one to talk about emotions that often. What had happened between Dan and Phil was overwhelming to him, and Tyler's outburst had jerked him out of what he tried to understand, and left him even more confused. He was pretty sure that Tyler running out of the room had something to do with the bottle pointing at Troye – everyone had seen how they had looked at each other last year. But he didn't understand why Tyler was spinning the bottle in the first place, and he felt bad for Dan and Phil because that broke their moment.

Zoe was looking worried as well. Her thoughts were mostly with Tyler. She kind of guessed that Tyler had suddenly been overwhelmed by emotions and tried to get out of a black hole, but he really didn't choose a good way of handling things. She was debating whether to join him on the balcony and talk to him, but when she made eye contact with Korey, she looked into eyes full of concern and love and knew that Korey would understand better how to comfort his best friend. Zoe watched as Korey got up and turned to walk outside, when she suddenly caught a movement next to Korey.

Troye had been sitting tense next to Connor those past moments, his whole body strained. It was clear that Tyler had been upset, and searched for a way out of something that was too much for him. It was also clear that when Tyler saw the bottle pointing at Troye, it got worse. But even though Troye had an idea of how these two connected and what exactly got Tyler to act like he did, he wasn't totally sure of what had happened behind the panicked eyes that he had stared into just minutes earlier.

Troye's contemplation had been interrupted by Korey standing up, and without even thinking further about it he himself got up and stopped Korey in his movements.

“I’ll check on him.”

Troye was surprised by how dark and clear his voice came out. He was also surprised by what he had said. He was painfully aware of Connor tensing up at his feet, probably suddenly worrying about their relationship.

It wasn't like he was about to run out to Tyler and kiss him, though. Troye didn't want that anymore. But he saw very clearly that there were issues that they hadn't talked about when they reconnected some weeks ago. And he suddenly knew without a doubt that this all was about him and he needed to go out there and talk to Tyler, to finally, really, be painfully open and honest with him, and get Tyler to open up the same way. They were grown men, for god's sake, and even though he had always blamed Tyler for not acknowledging his feelings, he himself hadn't been that brave either. They had talked about some stuff, yes, and they had managed to become friends again, but the most emotional parts they had ignored, and just kind of carried on as if nothing big had happened.

But for Troye it had been big; he had been in love and got his heart broken, by both his own and Tyler's mistakes. And now it looked like it had been big for Tyler as well, judging by the reaction they had just witnessed.

So Troye ignored his overthinking boyfriend, because he really was not sure he could go out to Tyler and do this right now if he let himself worry about its effect on Connor too much. He needed to do this now.

So he only squeezed Connor's shoulder lightly and didn't look at the others as he walked over to the balcony, pausing for a moment before opening the door to take in the slightly darker shade of Tyler's figure against the skyline.

~~~

Tyler heard the door cracking open. He drew a deep breath, inhaling the fresh air with closed eyes. He had started crying a minute ago, overwhelmed by all the sadness and embarrassment and incredible guilt. Tyler didn't like crying in front of people at all, and whoever was coming to join him on the balcony, they were not going to witness that, even though it was probably too late to hide the tear stains on his flushed cheeks.

Troye saw Tyler leaning heavily against the handling, gazing down into the night. He felt unsure of how to approach him, standing there so dark and brooding. A sharp memory of a night a long time ago suddenly came to his mind, when Troye surprised a crying Tyler alone in his apartment, but he didn't have any hesitance to just go up to him and hug and talk until it all got better back then. Now he was standing there, shifting uneasily on his spot by the door, eyes glued on Tyler's back, and he felt a distance so heavy it made him almost feel dizzy in comparison to that past night when they still were so close to each other.

The passing time made Tyler feel increasingly insecure, which was slowly shifting into rage. Whoever had felt the need to come out and talk to him should do just that, not only stand there and watch him cry, there was no reason to do that. It was embarrassing enough as it was, with all that he had just done, why would they make it even worse. Who would it even be, Korey would've said something a long time ago.

The silence grew heavier by the second but Troye really didn't know what to do or say, and Tyler felt so insecure and angry that he suddenly just gripped the handling hard and growled through closed teeth “What do you want?”

The sound startled Troye and he cleared his throat, shifting his gaze away from the white knuckles of Tyler's hands that had caught his eyes, looking down at his socked feet as he searched for words.

“Actually I don't really know”, Troye heard himself say in a much smaller voice than he had used inside when he said he wanted to check on Tyler. He looked up to see that Tyler's figure against the city skyline had tensed even further. Troye felt a sharp pang of hurt in his chest at the sight, knowing he should have expected Tyler to react that way when he found out it was him, but still feeling rejected and sad.

“Why you”, Troye heard Tyler whisper and even though he had spoken so quietly that it was almost imperceptible and he was sure he wasn't meant to hear it, Troye felt himself shiver at the broken and drained undertone to the exhausted words his friend used.

Tyler drew a deep breath, then turned around to face Troye. He let their eyes lock for a short moment before he shifted his gaze to somewhere close nearby Troye and spoke up with a composed voice that didn't match his feelings at all.

“Troye, I really don't know what you want here now. Look, it's not a good time, I just need some space, could you just...”

“For god's sake Tyler. When is a good time then? When is a time you don't need space? This is happening now, right this second, and I'm not dumb, I know this is about you and me”, Troye burst out. He gulped when he saw the way Tyler had stumbled a bit away from him, but forced himself to continue. “I mean I don't know for certain, but … Tyler, I saw the way you looked at me when that bottle pointed in my direction. And there's also a reason behind that … that moment when you decided to spin the bottle, right? You want to be so fucking composed and distanced and … cold all the time, but you aren't, Tyler! And everyone knows that! You never were, you never are, and it hurts me so much that you think you could fool me with your fucking faked toughness. I've always been open to you and … and there was a time when I thought you... when I didn't even question that you would be too towards me. I thought I had your trust.” And with that last sentence, Troye's voice broke from the impact the words had on himself. He felt his heart ache in a way he hadn't allowed it to ache in a long time, and he swallowed hard around what felt like a lump in his throat that could easily transform into tears.

Troye waited for a response, but he didn't get one. He felt his anger grow over the hurt again, slowly warming up his stomach and becoming more bearable for a moment than the coldness he felt before, making him able to get rid of the teary feeling and dark memories through remembering again what had always been so difficult about Tyler. The way he never addressed anything of importance. He had always shied away from conversations about their relationship or whatever it was that they had, and now it’s happened again. Troye grit his teeth together and thought he should've known it, when he heard Tyler speak again.

“I trusted you before you turned your back on me and ran away with -”

Tyler caught himself before he spit out Connor's name with such intense hate that Troye would've probably slapped him in the face right there and then. A part of him thought about how weird this was, feeling such a hatred toward that guy, because he didn't know about that feeling before, but it was here right now, and it made its way out of his mouth before Tyler could compose himself. Yes, Troye was right, he didn't like bursting out with his feelings like that, because it could destroy so much.

A just recently regained friendship, for example.

Troye's next words pulled Tyler out of his thoughts.

“Are you seriously mad at Connor or me for loving each other? I thought we talked about that earlier! You explained how you distanced yourself from us because we were two of your closest friends and weren't open to you right away, which we should have. But to be honest, right now you sound like a cheated-on housewife. I didn't turn my fucking back on you Tyler, you shut me out of your life long before that, slowly as if I would be dumb enough not to notice – or maybe just so I wouldn't talk to you about that sudden change because - …Your whole world would fall apart if we ever talked about the reason for that or something, right?” Troye paused and felt something shift inside him. How Tyler talked about Connor wasn't that important to him anymore, but he suddenly felt the intense need to just understand what had happened all those months ago. He wanted _Tyler_ to understand how incredibly hurt he'd been. “Why did you do that Tyler? It hurt so much to see you turn away after all that we had! I thought we even were -”

This time it was Troye who caught himself, but Tyler didn't have any of that.

“What did you think we were? A couple?” He laughed out loud, the bitter sound matching the cold night air so perfectly it almost felt a bit like he was creating art.

The sharp sound of Troye slapping Tyler hard was cold as well, but the burn on his cheek was hot and the glistening eyes that stared at Tyler were too.

“Yes, Tyler. Yes, I thought we were a couple, or at least on the way to becoming one.” Troye had wanted to sound menacing and spiteful, but the words came out sounding almost unbearably meek and hurt. “But when I was at my happiest, you suddenly shut me out and every attempt to talk to you about it was blocked out. And I was so scared of you doing something like that to me, something like laughing at me for my feelings. And you never showed me you wouldn't do that.”

Troye's eyes were shiny and a tear escaped with his next words, but he looked Tyler straight in the eye when he spit them out. “You only ever showed me up.”

Tyler stared at Troye, wanting to reply with something, to say anything that explained his past actions or returned the feeling of being the guilty one to Troye, but his mind felt numb and he could not think of anything at all that would've changed the importance of Troye's last words. He slowly turned around, hands on the railing, staring into the night.

A soft breeze made him shiver, and he curled his toes in on himself in an attempt to warm up a bit. The streets were still busy and Tyler thought about how pretty the yellow, orange and red lights looked against the deep dark blue. It looked almost surreal. Down there were people who were maybe stressed out or running or laughing loud, but from up here it looked so calm and peaceful, like the most beautiful thing that was ever created.

Tyler heard soft steps against the concrete of the balcony, and felt Troye coming to stand next to him. He kept his gaze down, not ready to face the boy yet. Troye's hand came up into his peripheral view, holding onto the railing as well. The sudden thought of holding that hand came into his mind, an image so clear it almost made him act on it. Tyler gulped and then let out a sigh.

“I'm sorry.”

It took him some effort to whisper those words, but once he had done it and Troye didn't react for a while, Tyler let his gaze fall on Troye's face. Again an unexpected thought made his heart clench: _God, he looks so beautiful._

Troye was still staring into the night. He was skeptical of that apology, not sure he could accept it without Tyler elaborating. He felt Tyler's gaze on him but didn't look up, just watched the cars making their way through the labyrinth of the city.

“What are you sorry for?”

“For getting so mad at you. For not explaining myself. For being too weak and scared to - … God, Troye, I'm so sorry for so many things.” Tyler hesitated, not sure if his words had an impact on Troye. He hadn't reacted, but it looked like he was listening intently.

Tyler was scared, but he knew that he needed to explain more. It suddenly felt right to just share his feelings and thought processes with the boy they were about. He just needed to get it all out, to get his point across, not caring about getting hurt anymore. Or maybe he did care, but he cared more about being understood as a whole.

He spoke up with a small, soft voice, very aware of Troye's immediate reactions, to be able to adjust to them as soon as necessary.

“Last year... when we were still so close, Troye... that was everything to me. I never really told you, and that is what I regret the most. When you were with me, I felt happier than with anybody else. But I was scared, like I always am, scared of my feelings and of rejection and of consequences, and that is why I never told you how much I wanted you. I never told you what you really meant to me, I never asked you to be my boyfriend. I blocked it all out and was happy with what we had, not daring to think about labels and the future. Troye, I - ...”

Tyler's throat closed with rising tears, and Troye finally looked up to study his friend's face. What he saw made him do a movement as if to comfort him, but Tyler shied away from it and cleared his throat harshly, because he wanted to finish what he had started. He looked at the warm light on Troye's face coming from the balcony door, heard the soft murmur of their friend's voices inside, saw the open eyes that watched him intently, and he finally said out loud what he should've said a fucking lifetime ago.

“I was in love with you, Troye.”

Troye’s eyes widened, but Tyler hurried to continue, not ready for a reaction just yet.

“I loved the way you treated me, I loved how you made me feel, I loved your hand in mine and how you just _got_ me, I loved everything about it. But I didn't dare to be open to even myself about those feelings, and oh god Troye, I'm such a dumb, stupid asshole.”

Tyler felt a first tear slip out of his eye, but he continued nonetheless, his voice thick and raw with emotion.

”I didn't tell you I loved you, and that's why you didn't see a reason to stay, and that's why you are with Connor now, because I guess he tells you. And I'm not mad at you, I'm not mad at him, I'm only ever mad at myself. So incredibly mad, because … I fucked up. It is my fault.” He let out a strangled sob, before whispering, “I'm so sorry I hurt you”.

Troye took in the way Tyler was playing with the hem of his shirt and the way his shoulders were trembling - saw the small figure standing in front of him as if he wanted to disappear into a huge blanket fort and never come out of it - and just took the step forward and engulfed him in his arms. Not everything had really sunk in just yet, but his heart felt huge in his chest and the night air was already cold enough. Tyler tensed a bit, but when Troye didn't loosen his embrace, he tentatively wound his arms around Troye's waist and buried his face in Troye's shoulder, feeling more sobs overcome him. Troye cradled Tyler's head close and the way the body in his arms was shaking made his own eyes sting as well.

~~~

At this moment Zoe shifted the curtains inside a bit to see if everything was okay with the boys. The brighter light caught Troye's attention and they locked gazes. Zoe was a bit shocked to see Tyler obviously upset, but Troye's gaze was steady and at least they weren't hurting each other or something. If they were hugging, it couldn't be that bad. So Zoe let the curtain fall closed again and told the others in the room to go back to their own ones and call it a night.

After some time only Connor was left together with Zoe and Alfie, whose room they had been hanging out in.

“I think you should probably go back to your room as well”, Zoe said to Connor, who was sitting on the edge of the bed and staring at the balcony door. He looked up at her, gaze blurry, gulping.

“Do you think I could maybe stay and wait for Troye?” he asked in a small voice. “Unless you need to go to bed now or something, I don't mean to bother...” he trailed off, looking forlorn.

Alfie, who had just come back from the bathroom, wanted to quickly reassure Connor to stay for a bit longer, but Zoe interrupted him mid word.

“Connor, look – I know you're worried and stuff, but who knows how long the two of them still need for themselves. And it won't do you any good if you just sit here and stare at that door. Go back to your room, watch a nice movie or something and try to distract yourself until Troye comes back.” Connor looked doubtful, so Zoe added as an afterthought: “You know Troye wouldn't do anything to hurt you, right?”

Connor sighed heavily and watched his own hands playing with his fingers.

“You're probably right. Besides, I don't know if I can stand to see Tyler if they come back in.” Connor felt sudden anger rise in his chest toward the guy. Yes, they had met a few weeks ago and tried to re-build their friendship, but it was still on shaky legs and now that Tyler was out there with his Troye and Connor knew nothing besides that they were probably talking about last year, he felt helpless and trapped, which always quickly resulted into anger with him. Images of Troye and Tyler kissing were flashing through his head and everything he'd ever felt when the two kind of had a thing going on between them made its way back to the surface. No, he didn't really think Troye would cheat on him, and he didn't even think Tyler would kiss Troye when he was in a relationship – even though he wasn't quite that sure about that last part, now that his anger towards his former friend had come back. But he couldn't stand it at all to not know what was going on.

So Zoe was probably right. He should go to his and Troye's room, use the Internet for distraction and avoid bumping into Tyler. He couldn't do anything about the situation now anyway. And that's why he got up and turned his back on the balcony door that he was still painfully aware of, hugged Zoe and Alfie goodnight and made his way through the hotel.

~~~

Behind one of the doors Connor was passing, Dan was laying on the bed, facing the ceiling, hands crossed behind his head.

“They are gonna freak when they find out”, he said.

“I'm freaking out!” Phil poked his finger in Dan's side. He was lying next to him, head propped up on his arm and facing the other man.

Dan couldn't help but chuckle. “Yeah, me too, actually” he admitted. To him this was all happening especially fast. Not at an uncomfortable pace, because it all felt like the right thing to do at the time it happened, but just – really quick. It hadn't even been an hour since the thought of having feelings for Phil came to his conscious mind. In that time he had kissed him, he had felt overwhelming joy and fear and something that he was sure he would be calling love pretty soon. They had talked and he had found out that Phil really liked him too, and they had decided to actually try being in a relationship together, despite everything that could go wrong.

And now the topic of making Phan officially canon had come up.

“But... Don't get me wrong, I'm happy – like really, really happy! - but we should still wait a bit until we do anything, right?” Phil struggled a bit with wording his concerns in a way so Dan wouldn't get hurt by what he wanted to say. “It's just that we should wait a little, until everything has settled in? Not that I don't want to do it! Eventually!”

Phil stopped, because Dan was smirking. “What?”

“Are you saying you want to have sex with me?”

“What?! NO! - I mean, yes, but not now – I don't … DAAAN!” Phil had thrown himself on his back and covered his face in his hands. “I was talking about telling the fans!” His muffled voice made Dan laugh.

“I know you were”, Dan chuckled. He sat up and hesitated a bit, but then reached forward to pry Phil's fingers off of his face.

Phil pouted.

Dan smiled.

It warmed his heart. Phil was so cute when he was embarrassed, and appreciating those feelings for what they were instead of defending them made it so much more exciting.

He then realized that he was still holding Phil's hands in his.

Phil felt the microscopic twitch in Dan's fingers at the moment he just realized, and he smiled and squeezed them a bit. Continuing to smile innocently, he tightened his grip and suddenly pulled on Dan's hands. Phil laughed as Dan collapsed on top of him, their chests colliding, Dan's face a horrified grimace that quickly turned annoyed once the shock was over.

“You little shit!”

Dan freed his hands and put them on either side of Phil's torso, propping himself up. Phil was still chuckling, grinning from ear to ear in his typical Phil kind of way. Dan had meant to just sit up, but for some reason he stayed how he was, holding himself over Phil. He felt his stomach tingle in a way that he would have described as butterflies if it hadn't sounded so cheesy. Phil's eyes were sparkling and his face had never seemed as beautiful as it did just now. As the seconds passed, Phil's expression softened at Dan's mesmerized gaze. Dan's heart joined his stomach in feeling weird and, as he lowered himself back down again, his head rushed and he felt weird all over, but in a good way. Keeping his eyes locked with Phil's, Dan shifted his body weight on one elbow and didn't really know what to do with his other arm, until Phil took his hand and laid it on his chest, keeping his own placed on Dan's.

“Kiss me”, Phil smiled softly.

Having needed those two words of invitation, Dan closed the remaining distance between their faces and placed his lips softly on Phil's. Starting off as merely loving pecks, they slowly increased the pace of their kissing, keeping their mouths connected closely. Phil was the one who let his tongue dip in the space between Dan's lips first, and a small sound came out of Dan's mouth as he opened it for Phil, which made Phil's heart stop a beat and return with its pace twice as fast.

A new angle and the attempt to deepen the kiss even more made their teeth bump together and they jolted away from each other, chuckling. Phil looked up at Dan.

“I guess we need to work on that a bit more.”

“We'll have plenty of time, – wait, do I call you gorgeous now? Sugar? Honey? _Henny_?”

“Shut up!” Phil laughed and extracted his hand from Dan's hair where it had somehow ended up during the kiss. He engulfed Dan in a bear hug that made his face be squished into his chest and Dan flailed and grunted in an attempt to free himself. Phil held on a bit tighter and buried his face in Dan's hair, where he let his emotion-filled “I love you” slip away unheard between Dan's struggles and his own fits of laughter.

~~~

Out on the balcony Troye and Tyler had settled down against the wall. Troye was hugging his knees to his chest. Tyler was sat there in a weird posture, holding his right foot in both his hands, chin on his propped up knee, the other leg crossing under the right one. It was cold, still bearable though, and both of them hadn't said a word about going inside yet. Tyler was afraid it would make them lose their closeness once again, and Troye didn't want to face Connor as he knew he probably had scared him earlier. Besides, he really wanted to talk more about the past year, being in some aspects even more confused after Tyler's confession earlier. It was weird for both of them. There had only been few moments in their friendship when they had been so blatantly open about their feelings like they had just now, and it had almost never happened that they discussed something like their relationship to each other.

What kept replaying in Troye's head was the moment when Tyler had looked at him, and Troye could see the decision being made in Tyler's eyes. The silence felt different, maybe more meaningful, and he knew that Tyler was about to say something important. And he had; he had told him that he had been in love with him. Troye couldn't stop thinking about it, even as they continued on talking about various stuff, and as he watched Tyler right now, talking about his journey of writing a book and deciding to what extent to open up to everyone else, he found himself unable to focus on the topic and just kept staring at Tyler's face, wondering if they would have had a chance together if he had known about these feelings.

“Are you even listening?”

“What?” Troye blinked rapidly, trying to get a grip on himself. “Yes, yes, I'm listening.”

Tyler laughed. “No you aren't! How rudesicles!”

Troye tried a laugh as well, but it felt weird on his face and foreign, the usual banter not what he was used to anymore. He felt as if he was wading through thick fog, unable to live in the moment when all his thoughts were consumed by their conversation earlier. It was similar to how he had felt over a year ago sometimes, when he was with Tyler and thinking about their relationship, all these thoughts in his head but no possibility to discuss them – or maybe he just hadn't dared to. Whatever, the same distanced feeling he felt then, was what made him feel weird right now.

Tyler had fallen silent, realizing that Troye wasn't up for jokes or even talking about their lives. He felt guilt rise in his stomach. Maybe he shouldn't have told him after all.

The night air felt significantly colder on his skin.

Both boys sat there in silence, but suddenly Tyler turned his head abruptly, looking at Troye. Determination colored his voice as he said: “And here we are once again, not talking about what is on our minds. We should know better by now.”

Troye's eyes widened in surprise. But he nodded. Good. This was good.

“I'm just … this feels so huge to me. I don't know what to say.” He looked Tyler in the eye, then down to his Tyler's lips, down to his own feet. He swallowed. “Do you still like me?”

Tyler was taken aback for a moment. That was not a question he had anticipated, actually not even one he had really thought about before. He remembered how he didn't feel jealousy anymore, when seeing Troye and Connor together. He liked their relationship, liked seeing his friends happy with each other.

The moment earlier on the balcony came to his mind, when he had suddenly thought about taking Troye's hand, and how beautiful he had looked. The way his heart had rapidly beaten in his chest.

Troye was looking up from his feet now, questioning Tyler silently. Tyler met his gaze, eyes open and thoughtful.

“I don't think so. No. Maybe I could, if I wanted?”

Troye bit the inside of his lower lip. “What do you mean, you could?”

“Well, I think love is not only a feeling, but also a decision. The base is there, I like you as a friend, always have. But...” Tyler took a deep breath. “When I had finally stopped being dumb and had realized I had feelings for you, you were already with Connor. So I made the active decision to focus on other stuff. Focus on getting over you.”

Troye nodded in understanding. He saw Tyler draw in both his lips, before releasing them again softly. “And it worked. I moved on, and here we are now.”

Troye thought about it for a moment, playing with his curls in the process. “How could you still like me then, if you wanted to?”

Tyler crossed his arms over his chest. He was getting better at it, but this confessing and making yourself be vulnerable thing had never been easy for him.

His voice was soft when he spoke again.

“If you told me that I had a chance with you, I would maybe stop searching for someone else and let the thought of being with you inside my head again. Now, I am not telling you I want this to happen, or that I am waiting for that. As I said, I don't like you that way anymore. We are good the way we are. I am just saying, if the circumstances were that way …”

“You would still give it a chance.”

“Exactly.”

Tyler sniggered softly. “That sounds weird, doesn't it? You probably don't believe me.”

“No, yes, I do!” Troye was quick to respond. He did believe Tyler, he seemed sincere in the way he spoke about his feelings. “It's just something I never thought about, I guess. It's such a complicated thing, I can never quite understand how much of love is voluntary and how much of it you just can't help but feel.” Troye felt a thought flicker through his head, a feeling maybe, something that bothered him, but he couldn't quite understand what it was.

He felt Tyler nod beside him. “Yeah, sometimes I don't quite understand it as well. The way I think about it now is that, you know... I think you can ...” Tyler hesitated, making Troye look up at him. “I think you can … you could love multiple people. Like, the potential for a relationship is there with many. If you feel close to them. If you kind of match, you know? If you like them. But only a few do really fit your personality so well, that a relationship would work out.”

Troye felt himself finally getting his head around it. Excitedly, he agreed, “Yes, and it's fricking hard work, because you need your personalities to work together, and even if you like the other, or even love them, that still doesn't mean it'd work out, because you both need to really fit -”

“- and only if you do fit together, you can develop deep, actual love. Like, the attraction comes first, it could be there for a lot of people, then you might work well together and it'd be a happy relationship, but only if you are like really close and you fit to each other perfectly, then you feel real love.”, Tyler concluded. “That's kind of how I feel about it.”

“That makes so much sense.” Troye's eyes shone with a light from deep within as he spoke. He thought about how Tyler's explanation made him suddenly understand how he could have had feelings for Tyler before, but felt more for Connor now, and still didn't hate Tyler or even thought of him as unattractive. Quite the opposite, actually. He was still attracted to him, like he always had been, but the feelings for Connor were something that had developed throughout their relationship, and maybe it would have never worked out between him and Tyler that way.

Or maybe it would, maybe it could still be them, but that thought was a bit too much right now and as Troye found himself comparing Connor to Tyler in his mind, he quickly shook his head a bit to comfort his rapidly growing guilt, unsettled in his tummy.

As if Tyler had sensed his discomfort, he bumped into his side, a smirk prominent under the innocent look he tried to give his face.

Troye laughed and shoved back at him. “Shut up Ty.” The smile he directed towards the concrete floor was just the right amount of flustered to make Tyler's heart grow a fraction. Maybe it would hurt in the morning, but for now it felt perfect and as Tyler stood up and extended his hands towards the boy with the toothy grin and the lanky figure, he didn't mind a thing in the world. He pulled Troye to an upright position in front of him, and quickly sneaked his arms around the fragile body with an underlying strength that he had missed holding for far too many months. Troye's head fit nicely against his neck, and Tyler felt him yawning in both the way his arms extended a bit and how Troye's mouth moved against his shoulder. “I am glad you told me”, Troye mumbled, and the sleepiness of the confession was what touched Tyler's heart the most.

“I am glad too”, he replied. The whispered words tumbling through the dark air held a promise of lighter nights, of crinkled lines around eyes and the vibration of a sweet text coming through your phone and of feeling close again, finally.

~~~

Louise was alone in her room, asleep. A small crack between the curtains let moonlight shine softly on her face. Her mouth was slightly agape and from time to time a little snore escaped.

Before falling asleep she had checked in with the boys next door. She had found them lying on the bed next to each other, both scrolling through tumblr. After a short awkward moment she had blurted out the question that was burning inside her; what happened? The explanation left her feeling giddy and grinning widely even later in her own room, getting ready for bed.

A text came in, Zoe asking if she was still awake, but Louise didn't notice. The screen lit up and the picture of a laughing Darcy made her sleeping figure appear brighter. She would read it in the morning.

~~~

Zoe knew that Louise was asleep when she didn't answer for a few minutes. She cuddled into Alfie, smiling at the vlogging camera. The room was messy still and so were her thoughts. Only fifteen minutes ago Troye and Tyler had hesitantly knocked against the balcony door, quickly saying good night and apologizing for keeping them up so long by talking on their balcony. Her eyes must have shown her worry, because Tyler had smiled at her reassuringly and stated that they were alright, they had just talked about past stuff that needed to be said. She had told them that she just wanted them to be happy and had hoped that they didn't notice her shiny eyes – her tiredness and the emotions of the night were getting at her.

Only when they were gone she remembered Dan and Phil and texted Louise to find out if they were alright as well. They probably were. She should stop worrying.

“Are you asleep, gorgeous?” Alfie had finished vlogging and pet her head softly.

“No, just thinking. What a messy night...”

Alfie placed a kiss on her forehead. Yes, it had been eventful. But it had been long as well, and he discussed the evening only shortly with the fragile figure in his arms before she fell asleep on top of him. He fell asleep shortly after, curious as to how he would find his friend's relationships to be in the morning.

~~~

Phil was sleeping. Smiling softly, hands tucked under his chin, he was the cutest thing Dan had ever seen. The bed creaked quietly as he moved to lay on his back, staring towards the dark ceiling.

The evening had brought more anxiety, excitement, fear and happiness than he could have ever anticipated. He liked Phil, and Phil liked him, and they were a couple, and they had their beds moved next to each other because Phil had insisted on it. Dan was not single anymore, and his best friend was more than his best friend now, and their fans were finally right and Phan was real, and _oh god_ Phil was a _fucking_ good kisser.

Dan thought about how their make-out session had gotten more heated shortly before they decided to go to sleep, and he felt the excitement shoot to the small bulge hidden beneath the blankets. But as much as he wanted to touch himself and get himself off and clear his tired mind, now was not the time and place.

Phil mumbled something in his sleep and Dan tried to understand what he was saying, maybe he was talking about them, and over the soft sounds and the quiet breathing he drifted off into sleep himself.

~~~

Joe was editing the video for Sunday. He sat on his bed, shirtless, duvet fallen to his lower stomach. Caspar, who he shared a room with, was laying on the other bed, laughing over some YouTube video.

Joe felt his mind drift from the skit he was working on.

“Caspar?” he called out. His friend smiled up at him. “Do you think Phan will become a thing now?”

Caspar cooed. “Oh my god, I hope they do. Have you seen how cute they were with each other?!”

Joe had in fact seen that, yes. “But what about Troye and Connor? Did they break up?”

Caspar's laugh fell to something more worried. “Nah, I don't think so. They didn't even really argue! But why was Tyler even going outside...? I think I missed something there...”

“Oh yes you did! You were way too drunk to understand everything that happened!” Joe laughed at him. “I don't know, he just stormed out... I think he should have kissed Troye but didn't want to?”

Caspar suddenly remembered how Tyler had spun the bottle even though it wasn't his turn, and how he broke the awkward moment when Dan and Phil had kissed for literally ages. “Or maybe he wanted to stop Dan and Phil from licking each other's mouths?” he laughed. “No, it probably was because of Troye...” Caspar felt sadness come over him. He had always thought Troye and Tyler were cute together, and of course he supported Troye with Connor when they told him they were together, but he could sense that it had changed the “Troyler” chemistry and he missed the easy banter that was possible back then.

Joe looked down at his laptop, clearing his throat awkwardly. He was not as good as Caspar in dealing with emotions, and when Caspar was getting sad like that, he never knew what to do. As most times, he went for an attempt to lighten the mood.

“I am so glad Jaspar is really not a thing! At least we don't have to deal with all that complicated stuff that way.”

Caspar made a sound of disgust. “Ewwww, why would I want to be with your grody ass! No! No stay over there! Stop! Ah, don't touch me!” He kicked at the smaller boy who had climbed on top of him and made sloppy kissing noises. “Go awaaaaay!”

A knock on the wall made them both freeze. The voice of a very, very angry man could be heard clearly through the thin walls. “Shut up, I'm trying to sleep! You can fuck each other in the day light if you really need to!”

Disentangling their limbs, they were laughing quietly as Joe climbed back in his own bed.

The mood had been made lighter effectively.

~~~

Korey sighed a sad smile as Tyler finished telling him about the events out on the balcony.

“Oh Ty...”

Tyler shuffled back on his bed to lean against the headboard, crossing his legs on top of the duvet.

“It's just weird knowing that he knows now. I never planned on telling him everything. We were back to becoming friends, it was all fine, you know.” He lifted his hands to rub over his face.

“I think it’s good you told him. It always sounded as if the two of you hadn't talked enough about whatever was going on between you,” Korey reassured him. And it was true, he had always wished for his friend to be more open about his feelings. That's why he was surprised to hear that he had actually shared his past feelings for Troye. Korey had expected a fight, maybe even a make-out session, but not the honest discussion of events Tyler had just told him about. He felt kind of proud, thinking about it. It was nice to see Tyler grow.

Korey felt Tyler's gaze lingering on him and he looked up again. A warm smile had fallen over his friend's face.

“Thanks for listening, Kor. It's already late but you're always there for me, I appreciate it.”

Korey smiled back at him. “Of course. You know that about me.”

“Ugh, I know way more about you than I ever wished for!” Tyler exclaimed exasperatedly. “You know what I actually wish for?”

“What?” An eye roll accompanied his annoyed tone because Korey could already sense that Tyler was about to be a needy little brat.

Tyler's puppy eyes had no effect on him though as he told him about the hot chocolate he wanted Korey to get for him, and only shortly after, they found themselves both in their beds with only the blue light of their phones lighting up their faces.

It was Tyler who fell asleep first, tired out from the day and even more so the emotional stress he had faced earlier. In the moments before sleep found him and he felt like softly falling down through space, he wondered if he really didn't want Troye anymore, and what those moments of adoring him earlier on the balcony were. Tyler knew he would be able to go on without him if he needed, which was very likely, but too much had happened tonight to really find a conclusion on how he felt right now. That boy had an effect on him, for sure, and he would probably always have that. Tyler knew he would be happy with some other guy in some distant day. But the last thought crossing his mind, and he couldn't tell if it was a dream or still conscious thinking, was about how Troye's body had felt against his and how precious that would always be.

Korey stayed awake a bit longer, feeling very protective over the small figure in the bed next to his. He found himself praying to he-didn't-know-who that Tyler would find someone for a steady, happy relationship soon - something Tyler always wanted but never seemed to be able to find.

Korey just wanted to be best man at his wedding already, was that too much to ask for? And godfather for those adorable kids the future stay-at-home-dad craved.

He would be a great husband and an even greater father someday.

~~~

Connor angrily swiped the tears away from his cheeks.

“It's not that I don't believe you. But I felt like the least important thing to you when you didn't care about anything but running after him.”

He hated himself for crying, when he just wanted to be strong and stand his point. Tyler still was a sore point, yes, and he did like being friends with him again, but the thought of losing Troye to him made his heart sink all the way down to his stomach.

“I did care.” Troye's voice was quiet, but steady. “Connor, I love you. But you know how much of a mess I was when Tyler acted so weird around me. You were there. You know I needed to sort this out.”

Connor closed his eyes. “I know.” His heart throbbed in his ears as he heard himself say, “I'm just so scared that... Maybe I'm still just your second best.”

It was silent for a while, and when he opened his eyes again, Troye was silently watching him with an expression Connor couldn't read.

“You are not my second best, Con. You always treated me like an angel, even when I was unknowingly hurting you, and I appreciate that. I chose you, and I still do.” Troye's hands reached out to hold his own in them.

A squeaking bed and a bit of shuffling on duvets later, Connor found himself in his boyfriend's embrace and hid his face in the sweet scented body that had been his home for many months now.

When Connor had fallen asleep, Troye was still awake, leaning against the headboard and scribbling frantically in his notebook, only sparingly lit by the dull night lamp. The lines made no sense and he would probably not make any of it into a song ever, but his head swam with thoughts and feelings and writing would always be his way of dealing with that.

The late hour made him feel philosophic and Troye was thrown aback by the different paths in life that everyone could always go. How different it would have been if he had known about Tyler's feelings before he knew about Connor's. Who would he have chosen? What would his life have been, if he would have dated Tyler, and would they still be happy?

Tyler's ‘I could, if I wanted’ was stuck in his head and thinking about how there were still, even now, endless possibilities for Troye to choose from, caused a dizzy feeling numbing his body. Flashbacks to old song lyrics crossed his mind now and then, just as much as interactions with both Tyler and Connor did.

After an hour and six pages full of stuff that he would find to be useless for anything better than a diary in the morning, Troye fell asleep with the thought that whatever he would make out of Tyler's confession and Connor's love and the confused feelings he himself had, he would be alright in the future. And that, for now, he didn't have to change anything.

Even though he could.

 


End file.
